It is very amusing to come back to a blog that you started over a year ago and see that in your last post, you had expected to “miss a few days” here and there… I think I’ve missed around 400days so far!
I reread my old posts(all four of them!). I had not realised how brutally honest I had been. And it was very hard – but also very refreshing – to read, especially after feeling recently that honesty is an awfully hard thing to do. In writing, where anybody could read it. God had suggested that really honesty is a good thing, because we are all struggling under the surface; nobody’s life is perfect, no matter how many deliriously happy photos and statuses they have on Facebook. I’m not entirely convinced. But I’m going to try!
It’s March now, of a whole new year. Spring is starting to happen, my living room is filled with light and I can hear the birds singing in the trees. And from my kitchen comes the rustling of a large rabbit who is busy eating some fresh, tasty hay.
I guess this post could be an update. When I started writing last time, I was in a seriously dark place for much of the time. Towards the summer, I thought that I was coming out of the dark place, but between two house moves and a (thankfully minor) car crash, I figured out that I really wasn’t as fixed as I had hoped.
I had stopped seeing my counsellor for a while – I actually can’t even remember when – because I had decided that I was fixed. In February! That’s when it was. I went back to the weekend that had brought about the realisation of a need for change, and although it was a lot tougher because I was more aware of all the negative noise in my head, it was also a really, really amazing weekend filled with friends and dance and music. I managed to tell another couple of people what had been going on for me. And they accepted me and loved me, too.
So when I came back home, I just felt that it was all sorted. That I was all sorted.
But I wasn’t. And I was so disappointed in myself. So impatient to be ‘fixed’ already.
These days, I am still seeing my counsellor. In some ways I would like to stop – but I’ve realised of late that I do still need that support. I find life incredibly difficult, sometimes. So I am slowly learning to recognise that the roots of my unhappiness go so deep that it takes a long time to excavate them. A long time, and a lot of honesty and pain.
But, other than that, what has happened? As I said, I’ve moved house twice. The revelation that I didn’t have to stay living next door to someone who was, quite frankly, a bit nuts, was a huge one. I spent countless evenings sobbing and begging God to change something, to fix it, to just make him go away. It took a long, long time to hear what He was saying – let’s move. Let’s go. You can do this; you can afford this.
I did move, into a lovely sunny flat that was perfect for the long summer months. Unfortunately, when the students came back in September I realised just how many of them there were living in my building. I realised just how much they liked obscenely loud parties, and how unbelievably inconsiderate they were, even over little things like parking.
Long story short, I moved again, into a flat owned by the loveliest Christian couple. It’s in a gorgeous area, and we couldn’t be happier.
When I say we, I am referring to myself and my new pet – a beautiful British Giant rabbit. She came to live with me in October or November of last year, from the RSPCA, and she is amazing. Utterly spoilt, obviously, and completely adored. I would never have believed that rabbits had personality, really, because they are so quiet, but she is so full of life and naughtiness that I am constantly entertained. She is also very sweet natured and loves nothing more than a good long snuggle. Coming home to her fluffy little face is fantastic.
And me, I am definitely in a much better place than I was. I talk to God a lot more, and that keeps my focus off the negative, and helps stave off the bad days. I still have them – Heaven knows I am still vulnerable to illogical fears and sudden panics over nothing – but day by day I am tackling them and hopefully working through them.
I work part-time now, so that I have a little bit more space to myself, and it is brilliant. I am writing, too. I started a story that grew into a novel before I started the blog and I’m still writing it. It is a looong process!
I’m going to stop, now over 800words is a long post. I want to end, as always, with hope – while life is far from perfect and I am far from fixed, I am filled with hope for a brighter, easier future. If you are in the dark place today, please remember, I have been there and I know it well – but hold on. It really, really does get better.