Taking stock.

So, as I mentioned in my last post, I haven’t had the best few months. I had … I want to say, a spectacular meltdown, but there was nothing spectacular about it. Nobody saw. Nobody knew for the first few days.

I had a crazy over-the-top stressful couple of weeks at work, and once I reached my days off, I just collapsed. I went straight back to that place where I am useless and worthless and I hated myself, and I wanted to be dead. I got closer than I ever have before to making plans to kill myself. I think I sobbed for two hours straight.

I am, in some ways, incredibly blessed, because I never seem to spend long in that terrifying place. For me, it’s more that suicide becomes a logical answer to all of the problems that I’m trying to deal with, currently. And tells me that something is seriously wrong.

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So, it’s been a while since I have blogged. I’ve been pretty unwell again, and that’s just not compatible with writing. Which pretty much sucks, because I love to write.

I want this blog to be about how I survived and came out from being unwell again. Because for a while there, I forgot all of my hard-learned techniques for coping, and I just melted down. And it was awful. But eventually, it all came back. So this blog is for me, to remind me how it is that I survived. And maybe it’s for you, too; if any of this stuff helps you, awesome. If not, just disregard it. Only you know what works for you.  Continue reading