So, as I mentioned in my last post, I haven’t had the best few months. I had … I want to say, a spectacular meltdown, but there was nothing spectacular about it. Nobody saw. Nobody knew for the first few days.
I had a crazy over-the-top stressful couple of weeks at work, and once I reached my days off, I just collapsed. I went straight back to that place where I am useless and worthless and I hated myself, and I wanted to be dead. I got closer than I ever have before to making plans to kill myself. I think I sobbed for two hours straight.
I am, in some ways, incredibly blessed, because I never seem to spend long in that terrifying place. For me, it’s more that suicide becomes a logical answer to all of the problems that I’m trying to deal with, currently. And tells me that something is seriously wrong.