Taking stock.

So, as I mentioned in my last post, I haven’t had the best few months. I had … I want to say, a spectacular meltdown, but there was nothing spectacular about it. Nobody saw. Nobody knew for the first few days.

I had a crazy over-the-top stressful couple of weeks at work, and once I reached my days off, I just collapsed. I went straight back to that place where I am useless and worthless and I hated myself, and I wanted to be dead. I got closer than I ever have before to making plans to kill myself. I think I sobbed for two hours straight.

I am, in some ways, incredibly blessed, because I never seem to spend long in that terrifying place. For me, it’s more that suicide becomes a logical answer to all of the problems that I’m trying to deal with, currently. And tells me that something is seriously wrong.

Continue reading

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Survival

So, it’s been a while since I have blogged. I’ve been pretty unwell again, and that’s just not compatible with writing. Which pretty much sucks, because I love to write.

I want this blog to be about how I survived and came out from being unwell again. Because for a while there, I forgot all of my hard-learned techniques for coping, and I just melted down. And it was awful. But eventually, it all came back. So this blog is for me, to remind me how it is that I survived. And maybe it’s for you, too; if any of this stuff helps you, awesome. If not, just disregard it. Only you know what works for you.  Continue reading

Le Sigh.

Yesterday and today have been hard. And I am tired.

Sometimes I feel like I have come so far in conquering all the madness that goes on inside my head. Like it’s all just fallen in to place. And then something happens, or I’m tired or ill (this evening, I am both – yuk) and the façade just crumbles.  Continue reading

Oops.

It is very amusing to come back to a blog that you started over a year ago and see that in your last post, you had expected to “miss a few days” here and there… I think I’ve missed around 400days so far!

I reread my old posts(all four of them!). I had not realised how brutally honest I had been. And it was very hard – but also very refreshing – to read, especially after feeling recently that honesty is an awfully hard thing to do. Continue reading

Change

I missed a day of blogging yesterday. I guess I will probably miss lots of days in the future, it just seems a shame to mess up so early on. But I am being far too harsh on myself here. I have not messed up. I made no promise to anyone about anything. This is just a place for me to express myself, whenever I feel like it. Guilt has no place here – so I will not allow it in. I will give it to God and tell Him that it’s not for me, that feeling. Continue reading

Good days

Good days sneak up on you, I think. Just when I feel like I’m mired under all this struggle and pain and bullshit, a good day sneaks up and opens the door. The sun pours in and suddenly I have perspective. And it’s astonishing. Because all the scary things that have seemed so dark and ominous are suddenly revealed to be little and helpless and flopping about ineffectually on the floor, not looming over me like scary giants.

Because in the light is God’s love. And His love is more powerful than ANYTHING. Continue reading

Bad days

We all have good days and bad days. Generally a bad day starts with sleeping in, or spilling coffee on your favourite tie. You miss the bus or even get hit by a bus. But bad days are generally few and far between.

Today, I am angry. Because my bad days seem to come so often. Outwardly, you might have no idea that I’m having a bad day, because I hide it all so effectively. But inwardly, I’m spiralling downwards and I feel like I’m totally out of control. Continue reading